03. conniving little bitch

why would anyone be such a bitch anyway? ok i know, i've had my fair share of bitchy moments--i'm no saint. but in my defense, and i'm not making excuses here, i've always had a legitimate reason to. (well maybe not so legitimate, like maybe i'm jealous or maybe she pissed me off but still it's a reaction, not a provocation.)

so i dont know why anyone would want to act like that. and i think about all the stuff that's happened, openly and those sneaky little attacks, and i get so overwhelmed by all the injustice and meanness of it all.

like, why cant you get your own guys instead of trying to snag others' all the time? what, is it some kind of insecure mechanism in you, that you haveto trample on someone else to make yourself feel better? i mean, most times you don't even LIKE the guys, so what is it? some kind of sick competition to see who can flirt or seduce better? what is UP, with the whole if-she-likes-him-i'm-gonna-get-him-for-myself attitude? and if you would only admit what a bitch you are, maybe you would have some kind of self-dignity left intact, but in addition to that, you have to pretend thatyou never did anything at all.

but frankly, and just because this is my reaction to your provocation and thus i am being bitchy, i feel sad for you, because there is obviouslysomething really wrong with you. trust me, get some therapy.

02.le Casanova

hellohello.

if there's one blogger that i admire it is mr casanova, him with his numerous flings and sexcapades. he is the epitome of the irresponsible egoistic male and somehow, that is just so sexy.

which of course brings to mind, Eric.

i don't know what it is about Eric that makes him so darn irresistable. he's not exactly goodlooking, neither is he tall or rich. maybe it's his rugged charm, his badboy attitude, the way he's so damn sure of himself. it's been two years now, since that whirlwind courtship and even after Sam, i find myself still attracted to Eric's persona, even more so now, ever since he went to college.

but oh whatever. i will never ever admit it to anyone that Eric is anything more that just The Ex. there's just too much pride at stake, non?

01.suddenly single

So here i am again, after a whole year's worth of trading "loveyous" and fantasising about the future--suddenly single.

I suppose it's been a long time coming, what with the whole communication breakdown, with his demanding work and track schedule, with my insecurities. I can't deny that i don't feel somewhat displaced after we took the decision to remain friends but i think the whole break-up thing with Eric two years ago kind of made me develop some kind of internal subconscious defense mechanism that kicked in this time round when i broke-up with Sam. I feel a sense of loss which i guess anyone who's spent more than a year with someone would feel, but the heart-wrenching gut-bursting tormented-soul thing that accompanied Eric's goodbye just isn't here this time round. I attribute this to a) the fact that Sam still remains a large part of my life because we remain friends, we still hang out sometimes, he's still there for me unlike Eric who totally disappeared (to be fair, i kind of shut him out, but hey!) from my life and b) maybe I'm kind of realising that singlehood can actually be quite fun :)

So right now, I'm actually having a term break after my exams so life has been pretty good really. I'm really looking forward to going out more, meeting new guys and all. So...wish me luck :)

bye!